How Will YOU Be Watching NFL Football This Sunday?

           Rise n’ shine ya filthy animals, gotta get a move on! Hurry up to delete those snapchats from last night & rinse that hangover off in the shower because it’s FOOTBALL SUNDAY BABY!!! Don’t stress, you’re right on track; Phase 1 of any Football Sunday is waking up too late & realizing you’re probably going to miss the first half of the noon o’clock slate. No worries mate, a full day packed wall-to-wall with human giants knocking the shit out of each other lies ahead, and that’s a ceremony that ball gazers of all sorts can make a good time out of – the die-hard fan getting their heart broken, the degenerate gambler screaming at a random television, the obsessive fantasy stat checker & even the girlfriend who couldn’t care less but got stuck tagging along! Whatever type of onlooker the pigskin sorting hat (which is just Joe Buck hiding from Troy Aikman under a burlap sack) decides that you are will play a major role in determining exactly how you’ll execute your end-of-the-week extravaganza. To help ya decide, we’re going to weigh out the pros & cons associated with some of the more classic game day playbooks, so that you can choose the brand of mind-numbing television that’s right for you!

Off the Crossbar

Let’s begin with a play as reliable as HB Toss in NCCA 05’: The bar. If you’re lucky enough to have found a quality sports bar that you regular at and can call home, then this is probably your go-to. Nothing beats hyper-glancing between 18 different TV screens while sitting at your favorite table and guzzling beers with your buddies for 10 straight hours. The only issue is when you start questioning your ability to count numbers at the end of the night when that bar tab is in the triple digits. Gamblers particularly thrive in this environment; they have the freedom to hop around like an inflamed Ricky Bobby whenever their bets hit, and are given the gift of sinking into a crowd (along with their hopes & dreams) when they don’t. At the end of the day, this is a solid option that everyone will be happy with every time, always a safe go-to so long that you don’t break the bank…

Home for Red Zone

The fantasy football nerds (me) eat this shit up. A calm, controlled environment where missing a single snap isn’t even a possibility. Also, to be noted, a revered Sunday favorite when Saturday night went a lil’ too hard. This’s by far, the most efficient & relaxing way to watch football; no rush to get anywhere before noon, don’t gotta worry about anyone else changing the channel, probably order some wings around 3 o’clock… simply bliss. The thing about this option is that it’s fun for only one person, and that person is you, which kinda represents both the beauty & demise of this operation. If you live with a significant other, just know, they will hate you if you do nothing but hog the good TV for 10 hours, but sometimes you just gotta play through adversity.

Beers, Steaks & Tailgates

The middle of a piss-soaked inner-city parking lot on a bitter-cold Sunday is paradise for the die-hard NFL fan; having fun is never an issue in this equation, it’s the unforeseen variables that’ll getcha. Unlike the absolute chaos of college tailgates, NFL tailgates at least try to give off the appearance of being respectable events, although the attempt kinda does give off the same vibe as a hobo wearing a pocket square… If you’re attending this event, then you’ve known about it for a while, had time to prepare & are well aware that you’ve willingly signed up for an organized disaster. If you’re committed to a trueblue tailgate (set-up in the parking lot, grill burnin’, drinks flowin’ by 9:30AM for a noon kickoff) then you just gotta accept the fact that your day is not making it past 2PM… this event is not for the weak of heart. Your only real option is to give in; substitute mouthwash for whiskey, eat 6 glizzys before the pregame show, full out dive on the pavement for that football thrown from the neighboring tent – be the tailgate.

Sunday Funday BBQ

The Sunday Funday BBQ is related to the tailgate in many ways, and while it may appear like its less raunchy cousin, it’s actually a secret shitshow waiting to happen. You feel so safe & sound within the confines of your buddy Brad’s house that before ya know it you’ve downed 8 shots of Tito’s and the Lions haven’t even kicked off yet. If you can secure a trusted group of like minded friends who understand the basic math of {countless hours of nonstop football + copious amounts of alcohol = Neanderthal behavior}, then this has the potential to be one hell of a time, especially for the people who don’t even give a fuck about the games. Cherry on top if you’re versing someone else there in fantasy that week because that environment is like a pressurized cabin & presents a prime arena for shit talking. Run by HEB, pick up some jalapeño poppers plus a twelver of Karbach, and you’re gonna A-okay… or maybe you won’t… that’s the gamble of the Sunday Funday BBQ… wildcard bitches.

The Sneak Peaker

This is never a first choice, always a last option, and reserved only for seasoned vets. Everyone’s been there before: the big game is on, but you’re tied up in class, work, dinner with the in-laws, etc. Are you sly enough to hide that live stream behind a word doc as the TA walks down the aisle? Do you have the sneak skills to hide an air pod from your boss, so you can listen to the play-by-play? It’s defiantly high-risk, ain’t no doubt about that, but the reward can be one of life’s greatest little treasures – when your team wins or your bet cashes, there’s this moment when you glance up from the crackstream playing on your phone under the dinner table, and look up at everyone you were supposed to be paying attention to all night with wide eyes & a grinch-like smile, because deep inside you’re experiencing an extreme level of joy that no one else in the room has any fucking clue about. Toss that silent fist-pump & let everyone else wonder why your energy’s in the stratosphere – if you can execute this maneuver without being caught, then you’ve earned it champ.

No matter how you decide to enjoy our holy sport on this sacred day, I do hope you make sure to enjoy the season. Remember when there were no sports for like 6 months? Yeah, today is like the exact opposite of that, live it up! May your teams win with might, your wagers cash with certainty & your fantasy squads obtain points aplenty – I bid to you all, the merriest of Sundays!

-Taylor A. Jackson (@lilbrotaylor)

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